Commentary

The moment of recognition, that is what the personal essayist creates while looking within, generously sharing the hard-won discovery with us. Arriving at the funeral of a much-loved student from her past, L. C. Killingsworth hides the anger and sadness of her life behind a guarded persona. When asked what she has been up to by a former colleague before the service begins, she wonders what to say. “Most of my last decade has been spent expelling bodily fluids—vomit, milk, blood, my eternal soul—into a variety of receptacles, including human ones. Should I tell her about that?” Instead she says she has been doing nothing, “just, you know, working. Remotely.” When the service begins, though, emotion overwhelms her and she realizes in an epiphany that what she is feeling is what she has been missing. She recognizes it instantly, “the way a starving person knows the smell of food,” and suddenly understands why she has been furious and lost. As she and everyone else in the room focuses together on the young person who has died, “all feeling the shape of the same hole in the world,” she experiences “the precise opposite of loneliness,” an emotion that “cracks her open.” Any embarrassment about crying uncontrollably in public is replaced with joy. “Joy that we are crying together, about the same thing.” It is a privilege as a reader to listen in as a an essayist makes such an intimate, life-changing discovery.

—THE